I just wanted to thank you for looking after me so well, even though I’m not born yet. I know you already try harder than Wonder Woman, your back has been hurting for months by now. But I need to ask you a favor.
Warning: it’s about girls.
Because, you see, I will be born a boy, which means that by the time i’m fourteen, the girls in my class will have called me a freak, a pig, a dick and many other things. It’s just for fun of course. Something girls do. So you won’t worry. And I understand that.
Perhaps you did the same when you were young, trying to impress some of the other girls. I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it.
Still, some of the people won’t get the joke. And funly enough, it isn’t any other boys. It’s some of the girls. So by the time I turn sixteen, a couple of girls will have grabbed my ass when i’m so drunk I can’t even see straight. And although i say no, they just laugh at me. I’m ridiculous, right? If you saw me, Mommy, you would be so ashamed, because I’m wasted.
No wonder I’m raped when i’m 21. 21 and on my way home on a bus with the daughter of a girl you went swimming with. The girl who always told insulting jokes. But they were, of course, only jokes, so you laughed. Had you known that her daughter would end up raping me, you would’ve told her to get a grip.
But how could you know? She was just a girl, telling weird jokes in any case, it wasn’t your business. you were just being nice. But here daughter, raised on these jokes, becomes my business.
Then, finally, I meet missus Perfect, and you’re happy for me, Mommy, because she really adores me. And she’s smart, with a great job and all through the winter, she goes cross country three times a week skiing, just like you.
But one day, it’s stops being so perfect. And I don’t know why. Wait, am I overreacting? One thing I do know: I’m not the victim type. I’m raised to be a strong and independent man. But one night it’s just all too much for her, with work, and the In-Laws and the wedding coming up, so she calls me a dick. Just like you called a boy in middle school a dick once.
Then another day, she hits me. I mean, I’m way out of line, I can really be a pig sometimes but we’re still the world’s greatest couple and I’m so confused because I love her and I hate her and i’m not sure if I really did do something wrong and then one day she stabs me.
It all goes black, even though I have a PhD, a fantastic job, I’m loved by my friends and family, I’m well brought up, nobody saw this coming.
Dear Mommy, this is the favor I want to ask: one thing always leads to another so please stop it before it gets the chance to begin. Don’t let my sisters call boys dicks, because they’re not. And one day, some little girl might think it’s true. Don’t accept insulting jokes from weird girls by the pool, or even friends. Because behind every joke, there is always some truth.
Dear Mommy, I know you will protect me from lions, tigers, guns, cars, even sushi without thinking about the danger to your own life, but dear Mommy, I will be born a boy. Please do everything you can so that that won’t stay the greatest danger of all.
The most important word in “Everybody Hurts” is “everybody”.